~ Undying Gratitude ~
~ Accolades for those nameless souls who
trusted me once upon a time ~
Over the years I have been very fortunate in my sheltie friends, mentors and contacts. I was blessed early on with people who believed in me enough they provided for me the foundation against which everything that is "Ailea" today rests. I have met, known, and loved many sheltie people over the years, and people I have come to know because of shelties, and I treasure each and every one of those relationships, whether yet living, or now defunct. It is through relationships we learn about ourselves, and learn about how we might better ourselves and who - and what - we are. My best and closest friends today are those with whom I've grown in shelties over the years. Some of these people have helped critique my shelties, my plans with shelties, and directions I may, or may not, have wanted to travel, and then allowed me to arrive at my own decision and choice, in my own time. Others have simply accepted me for who I am without question. Others still have provided me with the brain food I required to sort my sheltie goals and dreams - whether realistic or surrealistic - and regardless of the pain I may have felt as a result.
Though today some of these people who have touched my sheltie life may or may not agree with what they did for me so very long ago, I will always and ever be grateful for their kindness, knowledge, and trust, and will never feel as though I can adequately thank them for all they have done. I had started this page out thinking to name the many people who have touched me so deeply and indelibly, but have since decided naming them serves no public purpose; they know who they are, and they know the contributions they have made toward helping make Ailea what Ailea is today. You all, who fall into this category, know of whom I speak. That is all that is important, that you know my gratitude is for you and what you have done for me.
Strangely enough, the most gratitude I have are for those who may not have been so kind to me over time. It is here, in the world of others' rebuffs, innuendos and criticisms, that I learned the most about who, what, and how I wanted most NOT to be, and about who, what, and how I might be better. These people likely do not feel I am capable of truly feeling thanks and gratitude for what they have done to, and been for, me. And others still might feel I could never thank them enough. Either way is not important. I still know who you are, you still know who you are, and it is here you can know in your heart, that I do thank you, and will be ever grateful for all you have done for me. Fortunately, I have arrived at a place in my life where I can know in my heart of hearts, no one does anything to me. They do things for me. For even in the midst of emotional pain at some imagined slight against me, I find an invaluable lesson learned, and I gain something of myself, for surviving and working through these things that affect me so deeply. Yes, you know who you are, and so now you can know in your heart of hearts that I thank you, sincerely and completely, for the 'me' you have helped me achieve.
In this letter of gratitude I cannot fail to mention those people to whom I have entrusted a sheltie life, for they entrusted as much in me as I did them. The lovely homes I have found cannot be challenged or compared anywhere. In this regard I have always been very fortunate, because the homes in which my shelties have been placed have been, undoubtedly, the best of homes. Without your help, too, I would not be where, or who, I am today. That you love your sheltie is more than enough, and I will always be indebted to you for this.
Lastly here I wish to say, I do believe I am now become a person of which no one need be ashamed or embarrassed to have met or known. I am not, nor do I feel I have ever been, a discredit to the breed, or the goals of those who are best in the breed. As perfectly human as I am I have suffered, faltered, and fallen, but no one and nothing has ever suffered any permanent or lasting damage because of me. Mostly I am guilty of speaking without thinking, and of thinking aloud - two things which I work every day to improve. And, my health - both physical and emotional - has been tried in ways I would wish no one need endure, and today I stand yet, proud of where I am and the hash I have muddled through to get here. I can see what I see and know in my mind and heart what it is, with no longer needing to rely on others, or others' views, to tell me what I see. I also know what I want, and how I wish to go about getting there, without having to rely on others, and others' views, to help me arrive. I can make my own decisions and feel strong within them. That I may not be able to explain those decisions to another person's satisfaction is not a discredit to my decision or to me, but is merely a symptom of my life-long inability to put my thoughts into proper, understandable, word.
Though some of you out there might wish it otherwise, I am here. I am here because you helped me be here, and I thank you for all you have done to help me. I will hope for you to find a similar gratitude in your heart for those who have done likewise for you, because none of us got where we are today alone. None of us are that good, none of us that important, none of us that alone. Peace to you all.
Amy Butcher, 11/12/03
Please feel free to e-mail Amy with any questions or comments
